How to Practice Self-Compassion

This article is written by Sarah Winnig, MA. Link to the original article can be found here.

Accept Yourself for Who You Are

(rather than trying to be someone else)

Many of us have ideas about who we "should” be. A man might believe he has to be strong, brave, and outgoing. A mother might believe she always has to put her needs last. For many, not matching these ideals feels like a flaw.

In reality, humans aren’t so simple. While some men are strong, brave, and outgoing, others are shy, emotional, and cautious. While some mothers do put their needs last, others value their career as much as their family life. It sounds like a cliché, but everyone is different... and that’s okay.

People who are self-compassionate accept themselves for who they are, rather than who they “should” be. Not only that, but they often take pride in their unique characteristics. For example, a self-compassionate man who is emotional might view himself as being deeply connected to others, rather than having a weakness.

Self-acceptance does not mean loving every little thing about yourself, or believing you are perfect. It means accepting yourself for who you are, rather than who you are not.

Take Care of Yourself

(rather than denying your needs or overindulging)

Even when life gets busy, it’s important to look out for your own health and happiness, and take care of your needs. This means eating regular meals, getting enough sleep, taking time for fun and relaxation, or whatever it is you need.

Taking care of yourself is not the same as spoiling or overindulging. For example, taking a break to eat a healthy meal is not the same as eating whatever you want, whenever you want.

This might be easier to understand when you think about caring for someone else. If you’re caring for a young child, you don’t ignore them when they're hungry. But that doesn’t mean you give them an ice cream sundae for breakfast. You think about what’s best for them, and take care of their needs accordingly.

Caring for yourself requires a balance between immediate needs and long-term goals. For example, if you’ve been studying for hours, it’s reasonable to take a break. However, if you want to pass an exam, you do need to study at some point.

Sometimes long-term goals will require discomfort, such as studying or exercising when you’d rather relax on the couch. There’s no simple answer for how much discomfort or sacrifice a person should make—it depends on the individual and their goals. But it’s important to have an awareness of your own needs, and a balance that works for you.

Accept That Struggle is Normal

(rather than feeling uniquely bad)

You have a front-row seat to your own imperfections and mistakes. While others can hide their insecurities, you can’t hide from yourself. When you feel bad about yourself, or when you make a mistake, it might seem like you’re the only one.

Remember that no one is perfect. Being imperfect is part of being human. Everyone has bad days, loses their temper, and makes mistakes. Sometimes, those mistakes are really big.

Whatever your struggle, try to put it in perspective. Know that it’s normal to have flaws and make mistakes, even if you don’t always see them in others.

Recognizing that your struggles are normal gives you permission to feel self-compassion, despite any shortcomings.

Practice Mindful Awareness

(rather than getting caught up in thoughts and feelings)

Mindfulness means taking a step back from your thoughts and emotions, and seeing them objectively. This is how you see others’ thoughts and feelings: logically and from a distance. Creating distance from your own thoughts and feelings lessens the power they have over you.

In addition to creating distance, mindfulness will help you become accepting of your feelings. It’s common to think “I shouldn’t be sad” or “I shouldn’t be angry.” Mindfulness lets you acknowledge your feelings, without the need to change them. “I shouldn’t be angry” becomes “I am angry, and that is okay.”

Mindfulness builds self-compassion by creating perspective and acceptance of your thoughts and feelings. This lets you take control of your life, rather than being at the whim of your emotions. Additionally, mindfulness will help you practice other self-compassion habits, like recognizing when you are being judgmental toward yourself, ignoring your needs, or failing to see your struggles as normal.

Learning to view your experiences mindfully makes everything else easier. When you take a step back, you can see things more clearly